They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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