I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
