How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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