haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
