i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We had to coat check the pizza.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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