My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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