so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
