Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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