My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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