I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
