If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
