I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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