i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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