I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
where am i from again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
