2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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