Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
