The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
