puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
