i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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