The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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