you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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