My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
