i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
