Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
