You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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