pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
