The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
