I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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