What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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