I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
