If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
