"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
