just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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