Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
