I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
