For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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