even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
