Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
