My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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