Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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