I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
