We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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