Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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