apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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