i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
