I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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