my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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