Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
