If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
