The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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