In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
