Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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